This marks five years since our first baby, Katy Nicole, was stillborn at 24 weeks. It was the worst thing that has happened to me and I could spend hours dwelling on what my life would be like had she been born alive. I always imagine her as a small child (around 5 or 6) with brown eyes, and long dark brown hair, which is a little odd since my other children are blue(or green)-eyed and blonde. Just the other day I was looking through her things from the hospital and the funeral home and I found a few that I felt I could finally handle seeing on a regular basis: her ultrasound picture and the casts that the nurses made of her little hands and feet...those tiny, perfect hands and feet. I used to sob when I looked at them; now I feel more peace than pain. I don't worry anymore about what I did or didn't do or even why we were asked to endure the death of our baby, I have accepted that it was part of a bigger plan that I cannot see the end of, and I'm okay with that.
Recently I've come across the blogs of several other mothers who have lost children. I read their blogs and I cry for them and the pain they are feeling and I want to tell them that time will keep going and they will be okay. I was blessed to get a teaching job that I loved just a month or so later, and then blessed with two complication-free pregnancies that resulted in two perfect babies in the years that followed. I know that it isn't that way for everyone (even though I wish it was).
Sometimes I think that by losing my first child, I am that much more thankful for the two that I am raising. It helps me be more loving and patient with them. I guess that's a gift from Katy to her younger siblings- a sweeter mom!
We love you Baby Katy!
2 comments:
I'm thankful every year for this post in particular- even though I have never experienced this kind of loss, I have been close to losing a child. It is a good reminder of what I'm blessed with everyday! Today's to you Katy!
I remember when you told me about what happened. I remember talking to you about it in I.F. I also remember feeling like a complete idiot and had no idea of how to comfort you and help you thru such a difficult and painful loss. But Cami, I was sad and mourned for you. Thanks for sharing about Katy so the rest of us can be better people for knowing her thru you.
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